St Rocketcool Nation

Gas prices are soaring. The Energy Department tells consumers to “go fuck yourselves.”

The Midwest is underwater.

Our President might be blind and is definitely retarded.

The Celtics are up 2-1 over the Lakers.

Lets face it, the end of days is nigh.

The ship has gone off the rails and soon angels and demons will be fighting for our very souls. Naturally, I will be betting on the outcome. I’ll take heaven beating hell by day six and with day seven not needing to be played.

Will I be left behind? Probably not. I’m sure I have a suite reserved in hell, somewhere between the obese/unwashed hobos and the anal rape sauna. I’ve been resigned to this for a while, and have been increasing my fiber intake as a precautionary measure.

But I am not ready to go yet. There are a few things I would like to accomplish on this earth, before I am plummeted into hells fiery pit that only plays techno music. I have been in a list making mode, lately, so I give you my veritable but not venerable (and hopefully funnier/more entertaining than the movie) bucketlist of things I want to do before I die.

10) Fire a gun.

I’ve shot a paintball gun and a BB gun (without putting my eye out, mind you) but never a real gun. I would prefer it was a .44 Magnum, but I’d settle for sawed off shotgun.

9) Get into a fight

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to get into a fight, but I am kind of a pussy, so I guess what I am really wondering, is what it would be like to get my ass kicked. Either way, I want to know what I am made of (cotton candy and tears?)

8 ) What a dick tastes like.

I’m not gay (not that there is anything wrong with that), but I am curious. Women seem to enjoy it, or at least pretend to, and gay guys seem to love it. Am I missing out on something great? (Am I like the one person who has never tried chocolate and then eats a Hershey bar and falls in love with it and doesn’t stop eating chocolate until I’ve given myself type 2 diabetes?) Why has it always struck me as icky? I bet a cock tastes better than a vagina.

7) Courage

I’m afraid of most things. I wonder what it would feel like to be John McClane. Hell, I’d settle for what it feels like be Sgt. Al Powell (and that would take care of #10 too, because then I would also know what it was like to shoot a gun… at a kid)

6) I would like to be either famous or notorious for a day.

I really don’t care which. I do want to make my living as a writer and know that there is sometimes fame attached to that, but I have a feeling that I would become very J.D. Salinger in no time at all. I bet it’d be fun for a while though. I’d got to fancy restaurants and order off the menu and adopt a black/asian (blasian?) baby. I’d wear big sunglasses and a “who farted” t-shirt everywhere too.

5) Experience Zero Gravity/ Go to space

How cool would that be? To float around and do summersaults and piss into a bag and fly among the stars. There is no cooler occupation that astronaut. Period. Which brings me to #4.

4) Fuck in Zero Gravity

Many view this is crazy and say that it wouldn’t be very good because you’d keep floating apart. I don’t care. I want to do it, because it would be super sweet.

3) Fuck Elizabeth Berkeley

I don’t care how old she is or how many shitty movies she makes, this has always been a fantasy of mine. I totally thought she was more attractive on Saved by the Bell then Tiffani Amber Thiessen or Lark Voorhies, and she will always be Mama Jessica “Jessie” Myrtle Spano to me.

2) Burn down a Starbucks

What? I work there and hate it. Seeing a smoking pile of rubble that used to be that bane of my existence, before the earth implodes would great. Fill it with a handful of asshole customers and I’d think it was my birthday.

1) Get a haircut I was satisfied with

Yep, I have never been truly happy with a haircut. Maybe its not the haircut but my lack of hair or general appearance, but dammit, if existence as we know it was coming to an end and I see Jesus flying around punishing sinners with his laser eyes, I would like a fucking decent haircut. Is that to much to goddamn ask? I mean shit, I am a grown-ass-man. I just want a haircut that doesn’t make me look retarded/riddled with cancer.

There you go, my “bucketlist.” What would you like to do before you shuffle loose this mortal coil?

Thank you and parking will not be validated.